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Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were
heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.
The other three were discussing their children
while walking to
the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building
industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in
the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone,
boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in
fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has
worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given
a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him
that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell
the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and
I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side,
he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and
a big stock portfolio."
Costume party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
She
got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued
and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain and
as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought
she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party
and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping
a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he
left his partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far
as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went
home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She
was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kindof
a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know Inever have a good time when you're not there."
Then she
asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete,
Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not
going to believe
what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to......."
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned
over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed
and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the
bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right,
but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said
'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the
window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."
"Yeah,
but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they
finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn,
that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband
had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right
on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled
on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX
inches off the ground!!"
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission
into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."
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